Fuck This Shit

You know, I just found this blog again after losing it for months and fuck it. People don't read it anyway. It needs to be revamped. Desperately. If you find this and I haven't figured out how to make it better, give me some suggestions.

The Inner Matrix

Pathological indecisiveness taken care of. I went inside myself during one nap/meditation session I had with myself and saw a chest. Like a big pirate chest. It was locked, of course, but all around were plug-ins, they looked like the wires keeping humans in place in "The Matrix." I knew what those plugs were. They were all the things that Bryon and Betty (the bio 'rents) had taught me/used to control me. I started unplugging them one by one because I HAD TO GET THAT CHEST OPEN, taking care of each of the issues I had received from them, but I got impatient and began ripping them out thinking, "I see you, thank you, I'm sorry, I love you, please forgive me." I was healing myself of those issues while I tore out the plugs, removing the control.

When I removed all the plugs I gingerly opened the chest. I knew what was inside. It was Me. Me before I allowed others to control me, to use me and change me.

Opening that chest allowed me to reconnect with myself and get over my fear of making decisions. Allowed me to move and grow and experience Life again. And it is B-E-A-U!-tiful.

Was it forgetfulness or apathy?

Let's say that you tell your biological parents that you're allergic to gluten (it gives you terrible, crippling migraines) and your biological mother makes you cookies. You hope that she was just giving you left overs from a batch she made for her students (and momentarily forgot in a spur of the moment frenzy trying to get you a care package because your biological father was going to see you briefly that day). Let's say that ISN'T what happened. She made them the night before (losing sleep that she desperately needs, probably sleeping on the couch "to not wake up your father" <her excuse> so she didn't use her breathing machine <because she has sleep apnea and needs to use it to breathe well at night>) just for you. You would think somewhere along the way she would remember that you're allergic and you CAN'T EAT THEM. Right? Or is it just me?

Aboulomania

Pathological indecisiveness. I have it. I cannot deny it.